Forgive me healthy habits readers for I have sinned, I have broken my plan, and have not confessed to you my hh community about the how's and whys of this occurrence.
And truly, I have talked about falling off track before, but I think the reason why this is hard is because this was about something else a whole lot deeper, so let's take a moment to talk about what happened.
I wrote to you all about how I went off to a distant city to learn a new professional skill to help my clients that I work with.
I wrote out all my plans, everything I packed, everything I was going to eat, and how confident I was feeling in my ability to flex that resistance muscle, while still eating delicious dinners at restaurants so I wouldn't feel deprived.
Well on day two of my training is when the incident occurred. Thought it doesn't have to do with my work with eating and health, some of the other work I do has to do with trauma and abuse. I was learning a skill to use with clients to help them overcome traumatic memories.
Part of this training was that we would learn the technique, and then in the afternoons we would split into pairs and be asked to access our worst memories from childhood. Didn't need to be abusive or incredibly traumatic, but not the ones we really want to be thinking about and that we wish we could forget entirely.
So now imagine, I'm in New York City, away from my family and my home base. I am meeting all day in a conference with people I have never met before and creating all new relationships. The training is in a basement, and they provide nothing to eat but chocolate rugelach and some instant coffee. Its all new learning, for an entire day at a time, and to top it off we are being asked to share the worst of our childhoods with complete strangers to be used and exploited in the name of training experience.
By the middle of the day on day two I could feel that I was breaking. I was exhausted, emotionally, physically, and cognitively. And a dear young new friend of mine offered to take me to see the main street where all the restaurants and activities were happening during our lunch break. I needed to get out of that basement, so anywhere sounded good.
We drove, and soon enough we were in front of one of the best pizza places in the world. I said I didn't want to stop, but my new friend could tell I was lying, and nudged me to go in. I couldn't help it. I was exhausted of all energy and will power, so I went in and ordered a slice.
Now what upsets me about this story is not that I ate a piece of pizza, it was only one, and I could have figured out a way to substitute it for a different treat, or whatever,
What just flabbergasts me is the reaction to the eating of that piece of pizza. The experience completely took me over. I closed my eyes. I ate it slowly. It was so good I almost started crying. I felt consumed by this pizza. I felt near tears at the sensation of eating this glob of cheese, oil, and crust in my hands. I felt all warm inside. Like as if my body were saying to me "oh thank goodness, what the heck took you so long, we were dying in here." But it truly felt that I wasn't just filling a physical hunger, but in a true sense an emotional one as well.
I felt like I got a glimpse of what it must feel like to be a cocaine addict, or some other type of addiction. Many people believe that food can be and is an addiction in a true sense for people. I felt that day like I was enamored and completely subsumed by this pizza eating experience. It felt awful, humbling, and yet so right all at the same time.
So there's my confession- its not what I did- or how much I ate- it was the feeling of deep emotional relief that came along with it that made me embarrassed to declare to you all what had happened.
Its been over two weeks from that day and that experience. And I am grateful for it because it taught me several things.
1.It doesn't always have to be wrong to be comforted by food. Eating can possibly be one tool on your tool-belt of life coping tools. Especially if the eating has a beginning and an end to its quantity. Food just can't be your only or main coping mechanism.
2. I really can't, not for myself or the people I work with, underestimate the power, pull, and intoxication that people have with food. It defies logic, thought, or reason at times. So in order to help myself and others with their food, healthy, and control issues- I need to respect the level of power food can have in life.
3.The more that you can understand how emotional needs are powerful- the more you can forgive when things like this happen and move on quickly. On the way back to my hosts home after this training I was already planning ahead to what the rest of my evening would look like exercise and eating wise. I could have been beating myself up the whole time instead- which would have only made things worse.
4. During emotional times, I need a better plan. I am going back in June for the second part of this training. I need a better plan and I need to expect emotional exhaustion. This means I need to plan less outings with friends at night while I'm there and more sleep time. This means I should plan to look at comforting pictures during the lunch break of my family and friends. This means I need to breathe and let go of the anxiety in my shoulders consciously throughout the training days. This means I should plan on having heart to heart talks- or long runs during my lunch and dinner breaks. If its emotional needs that filling- well I better fill it or food will.
5. Maybe next time I will plan on bringing something chocolately with me for a lunchtime treat that I can control the portion and fat content- and eat less for my dinners.
If you can't learn and adapt from every "mistake" that happens, that's where life will get you.
That's it from me for now.
Signing off very humbly human,
Rachel
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