When it doesn't go as planned...

Though I have been wanting to write this post ever since the incident happened, I have been dreading it, and putting it off for as long as I can.

Forgive me healthy habits readers for I have sinned, I have broken my plan, and have not confessed to you my hh community about the how's and whys of this occurrence.

And truly, I have talked about falling off track before, but I think the reason why this is hard is because this was about something else a whole lot deeper, so let's take a moment to talk about what happened.

I wrote to you all about how I went off to a distant city to learn a new professional skill to help my clients that I work with.

I wrote out all my plans, everything I packed, everything I was going to eat, and how confident I was feeling in my ability to flex that resistance muscle, while still eating delicious dinners at restaurants so I wouldn't feel deprived.

Well on day two of my training is when the incident occurred. Thought it doesn't have to do with my work with eating and health, some of the other work I do has to do with trauma and abuse. I was learning a skill to use with clients to help them overcome traumatic memories.

Part of this training was that we would learn the technique, and then in the afternoons we would split into pairs and be asked to access our worst memories from childhood. Didn't need to be abusive or incredibly traumatic, but not the ones we really want to be thinking about and that we wish we could forget entirely.

So now imagine, I'm in New York City, away from my family and my home base. I am meeting all day in a conference with people I have never met before and creating all new relationships. The training is in a basement, and they provide nothing to eat but chocolate rugelach and some instant coffee. Its all new learning, for an entire day at a time, and to top it off we are being asked to share the worst of our childhoods with complete strangers to be used and exploited in the name of training experience.

By the middle of the day on day two I could feel that I was breaking. I was exhausted, emotionally, physically, and cognitively. And a dear young new friend of mine offered to take me to see the main street where all the restaurants and activities were happening during our lunch break. I needed to get out of that basement, so anywhere sounded good.

We drove, and soon enough we were in front of one of the best pizza places in the world. I said I didn't want to stop, but my new friend could tell I was lying, and nudged me to go in. I couldn't help it. I was exhausted of all energy and will power, so I went in and ordered a slice.

Now what upsets me about this story is not that I ate a piece of pizza, it was only one, and I could have figured out a way to substitute it for a different treat, or whatever,

What just flabbergasts me is the reaction to the eating of that piece of pizza. The experience completely took me over. I closed my eyes. I ate it slowly. It was so good I almost started crying. I felt consumed by this pizza. I felt near tears at the sensation of eating this glob of cheese, oil, and crust in my hands. I felt all warm inside. Like as if my body were saying to me "oh thank goodness, what the heck took you so long, we were dying in here." But it truly felt that I wasn't just filling a physical hunger, but in a true sense an emotional one as well.

I felt like I got a glimpse of what it must feel like to be a cocaine addict, or some other type of addiction. Many people believe that food can be and is an addiction in a true sense for people. I felt that day like I was enamored and completely subsumed by this pizza eating experience. It felt awful, humbling, and yet so right all at the same time.

So there's my confession- its not what I did- or how much I ate- it was the feeling of deep emotional relief that came along with it that made me embarrassed to declare to you all what had happened.

Its been over two weeks from that day and that experience. And I am grateful for it because it taught me several things.

1.It doesn't always have to be wrong to be comforted by food. Eating can possibly be one tool on your tool-belt of life coping tools. Especially if the eating has a beginning and an end to its quantity. Food just can't be your only or main coping mechanism.

2. I really can't, not for myself or the people I work with, underestimate the power, pull, and intoxication that people have with food. It defies logic, thought, or reason at times. So in order to help myself and others with their food, healthy, and control issues- I need to respect the level of power food can have in life.

3.The more that you can understand how emotional needs are powerful- the more you can forgive when things like this happen and move on quickly. On the way back to my hosts home after this training I was already planning ahead to what the rest of my evening would look like exercise and eating wise. I could have been beating myself up the whole time instead- which would have only made things worse.

4. During emotional times, I need a better plan. I am going back in June for the second part of this training. I need a better plan and I need to expect emotional exhaustion. This means I need to plan less outings with friends at night while I'm there and more sleep time. This means I should plan to look at comforting pictures during the lunch break of my family and friends. This means I need to breathe and let go of the anxiety in my shoulders consciously throughout the training days. This means I should plan on having heart to heart talks- or long runs during my lunch and dinner breaks. If its emotional needs that filling- well I better fill it or food will.

5. Maybe next time I will plan on bringing something chocolately with me for a lunchtime treat that I can control the portion and fat content- and eat less for my dinners.

If you can't learn and adapt from every "mistake" that happens, that's where life will get you.

That's it from me for now.

Signing off very humbly human,

Rachel

Purim- Let the Junk Food Onslaught Begin

Purim is a supposed to be a time of happiness, charity, closeness to G-d, appreciating miracles, and appreciating our daily small miracles. They say that its a day of holiness where the gates of heaven are open to us and we can ask for anything we want.

Yet- we don't usually have time to be devout, pour our hearts out, or even feel like a normal human being- and really- how can we make requests from G-d when our mouths are so darn stuffed with food the whole day.

People who have food issues feel fear in their hearts when Purim comes along. There is just so many food decisions to be made. There is just so many people eating junk food everywhere we look. Its also hard because it's almost like we've been programmed to think that a part of Purim is eating the junk food.

This is a good time to talk about two things- one is about planning ahead, and the other is paying attention to why you're compelled to eat.

Number One, I've talked about ad nauseam on this blog, but it's worth repeating: Make a plan!!!!

This can and should include:
-Writing out ahead of time what you will be eating for breakfast lunch and dinner plus fruit snacks throughout the day
-Making sure you eat those meals and snacks and don't let yourself get too hungry
-Close your eyes and see yourself eating your omelet in the morning, your whole wheat tuna wrap with extra lettuce for lunch, or whatever you're eating- and smiling while saying "no thank you" to all of the shaloch Manos that come swarming into your house.
-Decide ahead of time to eat one or two "treats" Maybe one at lunchtime and one at the end of the night after you've surveyed all the bounty that has accumulated.
-Promise yourself a reward (non-food) of some kind the next day if you can stick to that plan.
-Give yourself credit, it's amazing that you can do what you are able to do.

Number Two: Why are you eating junk food when you don't want to be?

-Eating is very often about more than just "bad habits". You're eating because you're feeling something and food will calm it, distract from it, and help you escape from it.
-If Purim is going to be overwhelming for you and you usually eat when you feel flooded- then your game plan needs to be more extensive than what's listed above. You need something else to do to cope with the craziness.
-If you're eating because you're sad, or feeling rejected, or stressed- same thing- lets find something else to help you with that.

Try the following:
-Breathing exercises (more helpful than you might think) - identify that you're feeling one of the things listed above, and then try some 'belly breathing'
-Imagery- Last week when I was away for the week one of the things I had to do was pick a 'safe place' in my head, a place I can go when I feel overwhelmed to just be, and feel safe, and then come back when I was ready. I forgot how useful this technique is, and I recommend you try it.
-A pre-prepared buddy: Tell someone you're worried about Purim and that you may need to text or call them to vent instead of eating
-Take a early morning, mid-day or early evening walk outside. Whether its a 3 mile run or a walk around the block to get some air. Fresh air and physical movement can re-center you in a way that's different yet as effective as food.
-Write a responses card to help you- a card that could remind you that food doesn't help you feel better- it often makes it worse. Or a response card that reminds you that whatever comes your way that you can handle it.

We can do this. We can get through Purim in a healthy way, picking a few treats, feeling proud of ourselves that we can say no to bad food choices, and being kind to ourselves.

Purim is an excellent opportunity for us to build up, as Dr Judith Beck calls it, "our resistance muscle"

Happy, Healthy, and Holy Purim everyone!